“Nintendo NX will be super dope” – Nintendo Uncle

The Nintendo NX will be a nVidia-powered toaster, complete with 12GB of RAM, a bidet, detachable VR controllers, an optional headset, vacuum, and will be Keurig KCup compatible, sources close to Johnny’s uncle at Nintendo have confirmed.

“He said he couldn’t tell me because it was a super secret – like, mega secret, top secret – but my dad has been making Nintendo for 20 years,” Johnny said. “He had pictures and everything he drew for me.”

While no reputable service or primary source could be cited in the latest round of rumors from Johnny’s uncle, according to previous reports his dad was correct at least one other time. He previously said Nintendo was preparing to manufacture a new “Regular Nintendo,” likely connected to the new mini NES the company will be launching this year.

“It’s gonna be really cool,” Johnny said. “My uncle said they were going to make my game too.”

Johnny also provided this blog with more evidence of Nintendo’s newest plans, including schematics drawn with crayons and links to vague Reddit posts belonging to other relatives of Nintendo employees and “game testing” employees themselves with wildly conflicting but 100 percent accurate information

Johnny’s game, while currently untitled, is based on his fanfiction post from 2009 in which Mario enters a grimdark fantasy world with adult themes that would be “awesome and really really bloody,” Johnny said.

While only vague bits of information have been leaked by Nintendo officials and others regarding the new console, set to launch next year, the information provided by Johnny’s uncle represents the most reputable evidence yet that Nintendo’s new console will be completely cool and not “dumb and gay” like the Microsoft Xbone.

Other points we know about the NX:

  • It will have the capability to both download games and play them.
  • Selecting an online option in any game will autoplay an apology by Reggie Fils-Aime in which he apologizes profusely for the creation of Friend Codes.
  • Wiimotes can be paired with the system to allow users a chance to commit virtual seppuku.
  • Sonic will be on it and it will be “great, the best and coolest Sonic game ever and Mario and Cloud Strife will be in it,” per Johnny’s uncle.
  • The console will be available in two packages – one with Windows 98 sideloaded and another command-line only interface with a braille keyboard (sold separately).
  • Connecting to a WiFi network called VirtualBoy will change the screen to 3D.
  • The console will be completely detachable from a power base that plugs into an outlet and requires $400 worth of attachments to achieve full functionality.
  • NX will be more powerful than “Playstation Five but somewhere in between dad’s computer and his laptop,” per Johnny’s report.
  • It will be backwards compatible with Game.com games.
  • Sources have also told us that instead of cartridges, games will ship on coasters that mom will scold you about if you don’t use them on your coffee table.

Johnny’s uncle could not be reached for comment as he was too busy making the next Super Smash Bros. that would also be ported to PC because “Nintendo doesn’t make money anymore,” Johnny said.